Not Long Ago...

Not to long ago. I realized I am finally Happy. Happy with my life. It has been so long since I have been happy. The last time I can remember that I was actually truly happy was at the age of ten or even eleven.

I always thought I was put on this earth to find who I was as a person. What became clear to me recently was that I have to let those things come to me. I am not to search for the person I am supposed to be.

I am suppose to live a life where things come to me and I don’t go to them. I know, and feel that there are things missing in my life. I know they will come shortly ‘cause I can feel it. I feel it in my heart, in my soul, and most of all I can feel when I am around people.

Growing up, after the age of eleven. I feel I was only putting a smile on my face to show everyone that I was a happy person inside and out. When really I was not. So much happened in my teenage years that I do not remember most or basically all of it. I remember arguments with my mom, my brother and my father. I do not remember what all of them were about.

What I do remember is babysitting a lot. Taking care of kids, riding bike, talking to friends, when all that is almost a blur. My teenage years were spent in depression. My only gateway was getting away from my family, and being in my room by myself. Being with my music, and most of all writing.

I do not think many understood me. I do not think that my family understood, to which I feel they still don’t understand me. There are things in my life that I want to forget. There are things I wish I could remember. I feel that I put a lot strain on my mom, and my brother. My father was never really there. I was so upset. I know he is trying to change his ways. Yet my mom and brother, I do not think they knew what to do with me.

At one point I remember my mom telling me, "Alesha, You have to stop. If you don’t stop this. I will put you on the ‘Ward’ floor."

Not many know this. I do not even think my closest friends I have known basically my whole life knew this. Because what they saw, was an act all along. They thought we had the greatest happiest family around. But what you see on the outside is not what you always expect on the inside.

I think and maybe, just maybe that I lost a part of me between the age of eleven and twenty-one. I think at twenty-one things started to hit me at once telling that things were going to change. Whether you like them or not.

I am Finally Happy, with who I am. I know friends will come and go. I know family will always be there. I know there are two things in my life I have to change.
One: To move out
Two: To loose weight.

Yet in all of this that I have written. Is also basically who I am. My Talents. My Passion. My Love, and My Generosity. Is what makes me who I am. I have to Love Myself before I Love my partner in the near future, and hopefully kids too. My dreams are also what make me, Me.

I feel that nothing can stop me. I am not searching I just know that more Happiness is on its way. I have days that I struggle. I know there will be days like that, but in the end. Where I am at now, is all that matters. Being Happy, and surrounding myself with people who take things as they came is a great source of Happiness. :)

By: Alesha (night of 7/23-7/24-2007)

"You See"

"You See"

7-7-07

You see, I am a person. A human being. A ‘being’ with feelings. To which no one really cares.

You see, there are so many people like me. Yet, I feel I am the only person like myself.

You see, I get hurt all the time. Why. I have a heart. A ‘heart’ that cares to much for her own good.

You see, no one notices. That I am around half the time. I have to speak up for someone to actually notice me. Why is that?

You see, its because, I am afraid. Afraid of being let down. Afraid of judgement. Afraid that people will not like me.

You see, I was teased. By friends. By family. By my peers. I got a long with many. Yet not so many got who I was. Which in the end, I still do not know who I am.

You see, not knowin’ who I am now. Well lets just say, "How can you get somewhere with out knowing who you are?" You already know who I may be. But I sure don’t know who I
am.

You see, why don’t you tell me. Tell me, who I am. Maybe I just need to hear it. Hear that, I am Beautiful. I am smart, I am... Well, I do not hear it enough. Maybe that is why I ask.

You see....Do you see....me?

Post Damnit

Okay so here is the thing.

I start this blog. But I have no damn idea to write about. I need something to write about. I need to talk about something. Something that is entertaining..I really am not that entertaining and I Love to Talk. Who does not like to Talk..if you are a person who does not like to talk..something is seriously like wrong with you. Okay so after typing this sentence I finally realized what I could talk about. I wrote something not to long ago..it may not even make sense but here you go.

"Your Life"
You never know when your life is going to start. What you do know is, You enjoy life and what ever comes your way.
To you, You may thinking your life starts right when you graduated High School or when you started a brand new job.
In life do not rush. When you rush, you loose sight of yourself, and those around you.
Be True to yourself in any situation you come across. Say 'No' when you know that you do not want to do something. It is just that simple.

Okay so I also have one more.

There is a story to every person you come in contact with. It is only up them , if they want to
tell their story or not.
There is also a story about, You. You may not know it, but there is.
Each person that you have met or even know, in one way or another, they have a story to tell about you. A story that could last a lifetime.
Be Yourself, Stay Strong, Take Time for Yourself. Then everything else will just fall into place.
Okay so there you go. A Blog. Is it long enough for you? Or should it be longer? You tell me. :)
Keep Sane

Yo!

You would think after having so many blogs I would know what to say. Well I Don't so eh? lol Anyhow I am single. I also need a man. So maybe if I blog here a Man who is interested in my Heart can say..I love your heart lol..lame I know.

Anyhow. this is my life in my single universe with my guitars and roses...oh and you can not forget my friend cj my sugar and I am her peaches..If you really want to know why we have these nicknames let me know cuase it is Quit Hilarious hahaah...Anyway..I will update more.. cause I have a lot to say to anyone who is willing to listen or rather read. lol

An as Always keep sane. :)