Not Long Ago...

Not to long ago. I realized I am finally Happy. Happy with my life. It has been so long since I have been happy. The last time I can remember that I was actually truly happy was at the age of ten or even eleven.

I always thought I was put on this earth to find who I was as a person. What became clear to me recently was that I have to let those things come to me. I am not to search for the person I am supposed to be.

I am suppose to live a life where things come to me and I don’t go to them. I know, and feel that there are things missing in my life. I know they will come shortly ‘cause I can feel it. I feel it in my heart, in my soul, and most of all I can feel when I am around people.

Growing up, after the age of eleven. I feel I was only putting a smile on my face to show everyone that I was a happy person inside and out. When really I was not. So much happened in my teenage years that I do not remember most or basically all of it. I remember arguments with my mom, my brother and my father. I do not remember what all of them were about.

What I do remember is babysitting a lot. Taking care of kids, riding bike, talking to friends, when all that is almost a blur. My teenage years were spent in depression. My only gateway was getting away from my family, and being in my room by myself. Being with my music, and most of all writing.

I do not think many understood me. I do not think that my family understood, to which I feel they still don’t understand me. There are things in my life that I want to forget. There are things I wish I could remember. I feel that I put a lot strain on my mom, and my brother. My father was never really there. I was so upset. I know he is trying to change his ways. Yet my mom and brother, I do not think they knew what to do with me.

At one point I remember my mom telling me, "Alesha, You have to stop. If you don’t stop this. I will put you on the ‘Ward’ floor."

Not many know this. I do not even think my closest friends I have known basically my whole life knew this. Because what they saw, was an act all along. They thought we had the greatest happiest family around. But what you see on the outside is not what you always expect on the inside.

I think and maybe, just maybe that I lost a part of me between the age of eleven and twenty-one. I think at twenty-one things started to hit me at once telling that things were going to change. Whether you like them or not.

I am Finally Happy, with who I am. I know friends will come and go. I know family will always be there. I know there are two things in my life I have to change.
One: To move out
Two: To loose weight.

Yet in all of this that I have written. Is also basically who I am. My Talents. My Passion. My Love, and My Generosity. Is what makes me who I am. I have to Love Myself before I Love my partner in the near future, and hopefully kids too. My dreams are also what make me, Me.

I feel that nothing can stop me. I am not searching I just know that more Happiness is on its way. I have days that I struggle. I know there will be days like that, but in the end. Where I am at now, is all that matters. Being Happy, and surrounding myself with people who take things as they came is a great source of Happiness. :)

By: Alesha (night of 7/23-7/24-2007)